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What’s in it for me? Find out how to improve your conversations.

We all talk. About, to, over, sometimes even with other people. Thanks to modern technology, we’re more connected than ever before. But what sorts of conversation are we having?

Not good ones! Even as it’s become easier to stay in touch, the quality of our chat has declined. We are losing the ability to connect with other people. We are less empathetic. We listen less.

In a way, it’s understandable – good conversation isn’t easy. In these blinks, you’ll see why it’s worth putting in the effort and discover how you can truly get to know other people through talking.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how to talk to someone you think you have nothing in common with;
the difference between a shift response and a support response; and
why talking about yourself is a bit like sex.

Good communication is fundamental to being human, but modern life has set us up with some bad habits.

If you were to stand a human next to, say, a snow leopard or a Komodo dragon, you might wonder how we became the dominant species. There are all kinds of animals out there that are faster, bigger, and stronger than we are. Even some whose teeth are filled with poison! Yet somehow, humans have risen to the top.

One reason is our ability to communicate. What we lack in physical prowess, we make up for in being able to talk to each other in minute detail – and to listen, too. That has all manner of evolutionary advantages.

It’s strange, then, that we don’t try a bit harder when it comes to communicating. In fact, these days, we’re getting worse and worse at it.

The key message here is: Good communication is fundamental to being human, but modern life has set us up with some bad habits.

People have been talking to each other since the dawn of time, but here’s a very modern example that shows why learning to do it well is worth it – poor communication costs money. For large businesses in the US and UK the impact could be as much as $37 billion a year, according to a report from 2008.

It’s not just financial, and it’s not just businesses that are affected either. Another study found that college students in 2010 were 40 percent less empathetic than students from 30 years earlier. A big contributor to this is undoubtedly the rise of technology and social media, which encourages fleeting superficial connection, not empathy.

In another study, researchers put multiple pairs of strangers in a room together and asked them to chat – in half of the rooms they also put a cell phone on the table. And even though the phone was just sitting there, it had a negative impact on the couples’ communication. The pairs in the rooms with no cell phone reported developing better relationships, and feeling more trust and empathy.

What can you do about this? Putting your phone away is just the beginning. More important than that is for you to start taking the art of conversation seriously.

If you have a bad conversation, it’s common to impulsively blame the other person for not being interesting enough. Definitely stop doing that! Instead, if you can take the responsibility for shaping an interesting conversation yourself, you’ll be amazed at the results.

Look for common ground, and you’ll find you can take on even the toughest conversations.

Do you shy away from difficult conversations? Many people do. But sometimes conversations that look impossibly difficult can turn out surprisingly well.

Take the case of Xernona Clayton, who was born in the 1930s and became involved in the US civil rights movement. She also worked as head of a city planning program in Atlanta, Georgia – where one of her colleagues was a man named Calvin Craig, a prominent member of the Ku Klux Klan.

Although Clayton knew this, she and Craig still had to build a professional relationship. And, while things started frostily, over time they formed a bond, with Craig often stopping by Clayton’s office, saying she was fun to talk to.

Eventually, in 1968, Craig left the KKK – directly attributing his conversion to the relationship he and Clayton had built.

The key message here is: Look for common ground, and you’ll find you can take on even the toughest conversations.

Talking without judgment is hard. But the story of Clayton and Craig illustrates that you can always find things to talk about, even to people with radically opposing views. Especially these days, in our sharply polarized world, it’s easy to assume that you have nothing to say to your ideological opponents. But it’s worth trying to cross the divide.

Everyone has prejudices, even if they don’t overtly harbor racial ones. Consider, for instance, that your child is going to sleep over at a friend’s house, and you’re chatting to the other child’s parent. You might find that you agree on various political issues – but does that mean your child will be safe in their house? We tend to assume that agreement on one issue means agreement on everything – similarly, disagreement on one thing can lead us to assume disagreement on everything. But of course, that’s not necessarily the case.

Whoever you’re talking to, it’s most important to show respect and commit to the conversation. Listen to what the other person has to say, and try to empathize with their views. Xernona Clayton changed Calvin Craig’s mind, not through forceful persuasion, but by being a fun conversational partner.

Of course, not every conversation has to end in tearful reconciliation and a bond of eternal friendship – disagreement is fine. But you do have to listen. As you’ll see in the next blink, you might well hear something that surprises you.

Don’t assume you know what other people are going through.

The author hosts a radio show, on which she’s interviewed countless guests. But even she makes mistakes in conversation from time to time.

Once, for example, a devastated friend turned to her for consolation after losing her father. The author’s response was to relate her own experience of bereavement – her father had died when she was just nine months old.

But doing this upset her friend even more. “You win,” she said. At least she’d had a relationship with her father.

Of course, that wasn’t what the author had meant. But looking back, she realized she’d geared all talk away from her friend, and toward herself.

The key message here is: Don’t assume you know what other people are going through.

It’s something that many of us do all the time, often unconsciously. The sociologist Charles Derber, calls it “conversational narcissism.” For Derber, there are two types of response in a conversation – the shift response and the support response. Despite her good intentions, the author had given a classic shift response.

Even just saying, Me too is a shift response, because it moves the focus from the other person onto yourself. If a friend tells you they’re busy it might feel natural to say, So am I. But the alternative – a support response – keeps the focus on them. Ask your friend why they’re busy – what’s on their schedule at the moment?

Responding in this way is harder than it sounds. It’s natural to project your own experiences onto other people. In fact, that’s how empathy works. If someone describes a delicious meal, you picture yourself eating that meal too.

The problem is that sometimes your life doesn’t map to someone else’s. Imagine that you recently cut your finger with a knife, and had to go to the hospital. When a friend tells you that she cut her finger in a similar way last night, you’ll immediately revert to your own experience – even if your friend’s injury was minor. When the subject is a weighty one, like bereavement, it can become a serious issue.

It’s okay to have a different knowledge base from other people. Far too often, we pretend to know what someone is talking about when we have no idea. Simply admitting what you don’t know might feel embarrassing, but it’s often a great first step in building trust.

You can get people to talk by asking open-ended questions, but the true power lies in listening to what they say.

If you want a friend or colleague to open up in conversation, one of the best things to do is to consider the sorts of questions you ask them.

You might think that the best way to extract a long, detailed answer is to ask a long, detailed question. But it’s not. The most effective way to encourage a full response is to use one of six short words: who, what, where, when, why, or how.

Questions that use these words are open-ended – you can’t simply respond yes or no, and are forced to think through a fuller answer. It’s a technique favored by journalists, but it works a treat for anyone.

Of course, that’s not the only thing you have to do.

The key message here is: You can get people to talk by asking open-ended questions, but the true power lies in listening to what they say.

Say you’re interviewing someone who’s just witnessed a tornado. If you ask them a question like, Were you scared? they’ll probably say yes, and that’ll be the end of it. So go open-ended: ask what it was like to be so close to a tornado. Ask them what they heard, or how it felt. Let them put the experience into their own words.

It helps to be unafraid of silence. So many of us impulsively fill silences … but a slight pause can often be a sign that people are listening. Taking a moment to gather your thoughts is a great way to propel a conversation in an interesting direction.

You also need to watch out for woolgathering: letting your mind drift off and away from what the other person is saying, like wandering around a field, gathering bits of wool from the bushes, without any sense of purpose.

Truly listening is rare. Often you end up woolgathering even while trying to engage – for instance, if you’re thinking what to say next, while the other person is talking. If you do that, you’re not listening anymore! Far better to focus on what someone is saying in the moment and let the conversation flow.

Ultimately, if you can invest fully in your conversations, you’ll find that you stop woolgathering altogether – and that you’re asking the best, most interesting, open-ended questions. That’s because you’ll be listening properly. Something we’ll take a closer look at in the next blink…

Listening is an active – not a passive – skill.

A recent scientific study looked at what happens in the brain when people talk about themselves. It discovered something intriguing: when you talk about yourself, the same part of the brain lights up as when you eat sugar, take cocaine, or have sex. It seems that talking about yourself is that pleasurable.

Listening, on the other hand, not so much! In fact, it’s genuinely hard work. And if you think it simply involves not talking for a while, you’re mistaken – it’s a skill all of its own.

But here’s the good news: it’s a skill that can be learned.

The key message here is: Listening is an active – not a passive – skill. And you’re probably not very good at it!

Most people consider themselves good listeners, but there’s reason to be doubtful, not least because modern technology offers endless distractions. Have you ever found yourself idly checking emails on your smartphone during a meeting? Don’t kid yourself that you’re multitasking. It’s impossible to pay attention to two things at once! You’re just distracted.

Active listening isn’t something that many people do naturally – but through practice, you can improve. The first thing you need to know is that people communicate through more than just words. Gestures are rich with meaning – and so is tone of voice. Consider these things and you’ll start to develop a deeper understanding of what someone is actually trying to communicate.

Here’s another technique: rather than worry about your next comment in a conversation, try and work out what the other person is going to say. Or how about trying to summarize what they’re saying – in your head, of course – as a way to focus your attention.

The author’s own lightbulb moment came when she considered opera. Coming from a musical family she was exposed to a lot of opera as a child. But she didn’t truly listen to it until years later, when she had to learn an aria for an audition and was forced to engage in a more practical way. Suddenly, she realized what all the fuss was about.

It’s the same with listening to people. It’s harder than it sounds, and it does require your active participation. But boy, is it worth the effort.

When you’re talking, be sensitive to the listener.

The power of listening well is one thing, but listening is only one half of any conversation. Even if you’re paying close attention to what the other person is saying, there’s no getting around it – at some point, you’re going to have to speak too!

How do you make sure your contributions to a conversation are good ones? Put yourself in your listener’s shoes, and consider how you sound to them.

These three tips can help: First, be brief. Second, don’t repeat yourself. And third, avoid shaggy dogs. (We’ll get to that one in a minute.)

The key message here is: When you’re talking, be sensitive to the listener.

On public radio, most interviews last little more than five minutes. They might seem longer, because a good interview will be full of interesting information – but the truth is, it usually takes longer to heat a frozen pizza.

There’s a good reason for this. We have short attention spans – if you believe one study, the average human attention span is one second shorter than that of a goldfish! And sure, that’s something we can all try to improve, but the fact remains – if you go on too long, people will get distracted.

Watch your partner while you’re talking. Do they keep looking away? Do they try to hurry your story along? Think of conversation like a game of catch – if your partner isn’t ready to receive the ball, there’s no point throwing it.

Similarly, don’t be lured into thinking that repeating the same point makes it more memorable. Research shows that while repetition helps the speaker remember things, it does nothing for the listener. In fact, if you repeat yourself too many times, the other person will likely just tune you out.

Last but not least, don’t tell shaggy dog stories – that’s when you elaborate every tiny thing so much that the listener loses the story’s thread. It’s common to think that if you really want someone to remember something, you should go into great detail – but in fact, too much is distracting.

Think about that game of catch again: imagine you want your partner to catch one specific ball. Would it help if you threw a bunch of different balls at the same time? Unlikely. In trying to catch everything, they’d end up missing the lot!

Having good conversations is hard work – but getting them right benefits everybody.

Being a radio host means that talking to people is part of the author’s job. But that doesn’t mean she is always on. In fact, when she gets home from work, if there are people she needs to talk to for administrative tasks, she often asks her son to do it for her.

Is she being antisocial? Far from it. But she knows her limits.

Truly rewarding conversation requires effort, so if you’re not in the right frame of mind, sometimes it’s better not to have a conversation at all than to have one you’re unprepared for.

The key message here is: Having good conversations is hard work – but getting them right benefits everybody.

Not all conversation is equal. A study in 2010 asked students in Arizona to say how happy they felt, and mapped their answers against the sorts of conversations they were having. The study found that the happiest students tended to be the more sociable ones – which isn’t so surprising. But it also found that the happiest students of all weren’t those that talked the most. Rather, it was those that had the most substantive conversations.

Turns out it’s good to be social. But it’s even better to be properly engaged. In other words, when it comes to conversation, small talk doesn’t cut it. It’s quality, not quantity, that counts.

But why is it that conversation is good for you in the first place? In a word: empathy. According to research, empathy is on the decline among young people, which is a real concern. It’s empathy that allows us to understand what other people are feeling, and forge real connections.

Being empathetic, and focusing on people other than yourself, is good for you in many ways. For example, volunteering for charity work can make you happier and healthier. One study even suggested that people who volunteer regularly tended to live longer.

Plus, of course, there are the benefits that empathy has for the person you’re talking to, because having a good conversation is about more than just yourself. Learning about other people – what they think, how they feel, why they are who they are – is hard work, but richly rewarding for you both.

And it’s just a conversation away.

Final summary

The key message in these blinks:

Talking to each other is one of the things that makes us human, but we don’t always prioritize good conversation as much as we should – especially since the rise of technology. To have a good conversation, it’s important to give it your full attention, go in with an open mind, and commit to being a good listener. Learn to do it well, and you’ll feel happier and become more empathetic.

Actionable advice:

Have a meaningful conversation.

It might sound easy, but there’s more to having a good conversation than meets the eye. Next time you have the chance, take the art of the conversation seriously. Really engage with what the other person is trying to tell you, give support responses rather than shift responses, and think about how their experiences are different from your own. You’ll be amazed at what you can learn.

What’s in it for me? Learn how to hack life.

We all wish we could be in better physical shape, eat healthier, have better sex and generally live a more awesome life, but the daily grind can make that seem impossible to achieve. How are you supposed to juggle a full-time job while ensuring you consume healthy, nutritious meals and go to the gym? When do you have the time in between all that to rest, let alone enjoy sex?

Lack of energy and time are the two main obstacles to optimizing our day, but thankfully there are ways to combat them.

Marcus has laid out some life hacks that are easy to do and take virtually no time to implement, allowing you to become the best version of yourself. He highlights simple, routine things detrimental to your health and daily performance you may not even be aware of and provides solutions with which to replace these bad habits.

In these blinks, you’ll find out

what sways a judge to grant parole;
which historical figures enjoyed a good nap; and
how you can have more sex.

Drink water after waking up, not coffee.

What’s the first thing you do after getting out of bed in the morning? Most of us hop in the shower or reach for a cup of coffee to kick-start our brains. If you want the best start to your day, however, you need to get properly hydrated, as your body becomes dehydrated during sleep.

If you manage to get a good night’s rest, that is a minimum of seven hours without drinking any water. And if you live in a dry climate, were at the gym the previous day, or had a few alcoholic beverages the night before, then you would’ve been dehydrated even before going to bed!

During the night, you typically lose around a pound of water through sweat. Even mild dehydration can result in headaches, anxiety and irritability, which isn’t a great way to begin your day.

So how do we effectively rehydrate after waking up? The answer is not to drink coffee, but water.

When you drink coffee on an empty stomach, your bloodstream gets hit incredibly fast by caffeine. As a result, your body releases stress hormones that propel you into your fight or flight mode. To put it another way, waking up with caffeine tricks your body into feeling as though it’s being chased by a lion!

What you should do instead is drink a glass of water with some fresh lemon and a pinch of salt. This will not only rehydrate you but provide essential nutrients and minerals such as potassium, calcium and zinc, making it the perfect way to start your day.

Simple carbohydrates affect our blood sugar levels, which may lead to devastating consequences.

When you walk down the breakfast aisle of your local supermarket, what do you see? You’re likely to come across things like croissants, waffles and toaster pastries. But none of these are suitable breakfast foods – they’re sugar bombs.

A typical American breakfast consists of cereal, white bread and packaged juices, which don’t help our bodies.

These items are simple carbohydrates, meaning they often contain plenty of refined sugar and very little fiber. Simple carbohydrates rapidly raise the sugar level in your bloodstream, and high levels of sugar are poisonous to your cells, which is why your digestive system releases the hormone insulin to keep your blood sugar levels in check. Unfortunately, when insulin gets into our bloodstream, it makes us lethargic and irritable, and over the long term, can cause serious health problems, like cardiovascular disease and diabetes.

The effects of a simple-carbohydrate breakfast can also have worrying impacts on the whole of society.

A 2011 study in Israel found that prisoners were much more likely to be granted parole immediately after judges had had breakfast or lunch, when the sugar level in their blood was rising. In comparison, when their blood sugar levels dropped, around two hours after eating, the judges almost never granted parole. Simply put, the judges showed less compassion when their blood sugar levels were low, highlighting the importance of a balanced meal when it comes to decision-making on a societal level.

Our lifestyles aren’t as healthy as our ancestors’, but supplements can help.

Imagine your life ten-thousand years ago, huddled around a fire or basking in the summer sun. Your dinner would consist of freshly hunted game, foraged plant roots and leafy vegetation. Though this might not sound like the most appetizing meal, it may surprise you to know that it’s healthier than our diets today.

Our modern lifestyle is robbing us of many minerals, nutrients and good bacteria that were routinely part of our ancestors’ diets.

Prehistoric humans used to eat animals that lived off of nutritious, wild vegetation. When our ancestors fed on those animals, they received the same vegetable nutrients. The products you consume today, such as beef, dairy and eggs, come from animals raised on corn, which is very low in nutrients. An undernourished diet for the animals means an undernourished diet for you.

Furthermore, our ancestors consumed plants that grew in mineral-rich, naturally fertilized soil. Today’s arable land has been over-farmed and stripped of nutrients, leaving the crops – and you – devoid of essential minerals.

But despite these changes, you can maintain a healthy diet by taking supplements.

You might want to start by taking a vitamin D supplement. Your body can produce Vitamin D, but for that to happen, you need to spend time in the sun. Given our hectic modern lifestyles, which demand most of us to work inside an office and wear suits and long-sleeved shirts, this can be difficult to manage. It would be easier to have the ample amount of time our ancestors had to lie around all day in the sun, but for us modern-day busy bees, supplements can

1 Billion people across the world are Vitamin D deficient

Naps have been scientifically proven to boost productivity.

Are you familiar with the post-lunch slump? That time of the day when you get back to your desk after lunch but are sapped of energy and the ability to concentrate. Most of us fight this slump by hitting the coffee machine or grabbing an energy drink. But there’s another, healthier way to help keep you alert and finish out your day.

When you start feeling sluggish after lunch, it’s your body signaling for you to rest, and taking a short nap has scientifically proven benefits.

Studies have found that naps improve cognitive and motor performance far better than large intakes of caffeine. Reaction times, logical reasoning and immune system function all increase after a nap.

A British experiment carried out in 2008 compared a nap, a cup of coffee and more sleep during the night to see which of the three would best improve participants’ after-lunch energy and alertness levels. The winner? A nap!

Beyond science, historical figures and modern companies have also noted the power of napping.

Prolific figures such as Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan, John F. Kennedy, Albert Einstein and Napoleon used to nap regularly. Some even set aside time for napping in their schedules!

The importance of a nap has continued into the modern day, with tech companies like Google and Uber encouraging employees to take a sleep break during work hours.

Set training goals that target overall health, not just one muscle group.

What if a miracle drug existed that could reduce your weight, relieve stress, strengthen muscles, increase your longevity, help you sleep well and fight depression? Well stop imagining, because it already exists – it’s called exercise.

Even though exercise is an effective measure against things that ail us, 80 percent of Americans are not getting their recommended weekly dose of physical training. The reason why we aren’t exercising is that we set unhealthy goals which result in frustration and injury.

Some men start at the gym with the short-sighted goal of strengthening their pectoral muscles. This means that they overdevelop their chest while neglecting their back muscles. Such a narrow focus will result in oversized pecs that exert a lot of pressure on the shoulders, straining their rotator cuffs and front deltoids. By the time they reach middle age, their shoulders are likely to be so damaged that even a push-up isn’t possible. This leads to frustration, quitting the gym and neglecting their health.

Thankfully, there’s a way to ensure that exercise becomes a long-term, sustainable habit: simply approach it as a way to boost your overall health, not just a way to change your appearance.

If you need some motivation, remember that we’re attracted to healthy people. That’s right – healthy is sexy. If you want to find that special someone, aim to improve your health with exercise, and you’ll also end up improving your attractiveness!

Sex is healthy, and you can have more of it by boosting your testosterone levels.

Sex is everywhere, used to sell everything from cars to laundry detergent. But why is it so ubiquitous in advertising? Because an overwhelmingly large portion of the world’s population craves it. And why shouldn’t they? Sex is beneficial, and we should all be doing it more often.

Besides the obvious pleasure benefits, regular sex is good for your well-being.

A recent study showed that regular sex can help to fight depression, combat the aging process, increase prostate health, enhance wound healing and raise pain tolerance. It also found that men who had sex less than once a week were twice as likely to experience erectile dysfunction.

So, regular sex is a good thing. But how can you have more of it? For those in committed relationships, the key is igniting the sex drive. One way to do so is by boosting your testosterone levels.

Testosterone is the hormone that makes you crave sex and is found in both female and male bodies. As you get older, however, your testosterone levels get lower.

To ramp up your testosterone levels, and therefore your sex drive, try adding more fat to your diet. Your body needs adequate amounts of saturated fats and cholesterol to produce testosterone. One study found that participants’ testosterone levels dropped significantly when on a low-fat diet. After switching to high-fat diets, their testosterone levels increased.

Having sex is a fun, free and healthy activity, so stock up on some healthy fats like avocados, nuts and wild salmon and enjoy yourselves!

Final summary

The key message in these blinks:

To feel good, be successful and improve your life, rehydrate by drinking water every morning, take supplements and avoid simple carbohydrates. Remember to take naps to boost productivity, target your overall health by exercising and boost your testosterone levels so that you can enjoy more sex.

Actionable advice:

Take 20-minute power naps.

The most effective nap takes 20 minutes. So find a quiet, peaceful place to get comfortable and set your alarm before turning on airplane mode. If you’re at home, take a nap on your bed or sofa. If you’re lucky enough to have a quiet area at work where you can take a nap, set aside 20 minutes so that you can return to your desk reinvigorated and brimming with energy.

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